Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Friendships and Other Battles of the Heart

013
I know I am not alone in this quest of mid-20s friendship, but I have been feeling weighted by its importance in the last few months. To preface, I don't know how to explain how I am with friendships. I am shy. An awkward shy that is hidden by my tendency to talk to much about nothing, stutter and constantly adjust my hair/glasses/boots/purse. It doesn't help that I am incredibly insecure. That doesn't make friendships easy. Nor does moving to a new place, where I work at home, and could not leave the house in a week except to go to the post office and not notice.

I don't have a lot of experience with friendships. I had a relatively sheltered childhood of being the perpetual only child-loner-book worm, met trauma at a young age, entered adulthood pretty late, and jumped right into the social cesspool of after-college HOW THE HELL DO I MAKE FRIENDS IN THIS BIG GIANT WORLD stage. I tried the party-friend-path. I tried the work-friends-road. I tried the roommates-so-we-must-be-friends route. I have had failure with all of them. Am I too judgmental? {sometimes} Am I annoying? {probably} Am I too honest, or say whats on my mind too much? {absolutely} Do I get too comfortable? {maybe} Am I just a weirdo? {yes}

I spent a long time wondering if I was just a crappy friend-roommate-boss {note to self: don't ever try to be best friends with your employees/co-workers while y'all work together, it's oil and water.} And I went through a phase where I surrounded myself with people who I didn't necessarily get along with because I just wanted that companionship. I'm too transparent for that and I'm sure I have hurt feelings and burned bridges...I'm sorry for that. But then, I met Doug. My very best friend in the entire universe. The person who I have to, want nothing more than, no question about it, will spend the rest of my life with. Not to be a big cheese ball, but my soul mate. Doug, unlike me, has lots of friends. He is social and friendly and easy to get along with. So, of course, I made a huge effort to befriend his friends. Some I clicked with perfectly and still consider some of my closest friends. Others, well, they made me question myself again. Am I that crappy of a person that they can't stand me. They want nothing to do with me? Or wait, news flash, we don't have to be best friends. I have realized in the past few months that I shouldn't have to TRY to be someones friend. I shouldn't have to be anything other than my big, beautiful self. Full glory. Not really, I mean some discretion is appreciated. But I am going to be 27 in just a few short months. I refuse to walk on egg shells. I refuse to be silent and made to feel excluded or out of place. No matter how much I want friends, I don't deserve that.

BUT, I am not innocent. I have no filter. If you know me in real life, I will say just about anything that comes to mind, and not realize that it could be hurtful. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I can't pretend to be stoked if I'm not. I can't fake it. I just can't. And my insecurities can turn me into a total brat. And there in lies the problem. As a grown up, I should know how to do this. I shouldn't be all willy nilly with my thoughts and words. So since we moved to Chattanooga, I have made a few vows to myself when it comes to friendships. I want to make friends. I want to go on coffee dates and go thrifting and go on bike rides. I want someone to talk to face to face about nothing and everything. Girlfriend stuff.

I will make a conscious effort to not be an awkward mess when we go out. I wont hide in Doug's shadow and I will be open to meeting new people. I will not be judgmental. I will not always say exactly what I am thinking, because to be quite frank, it just isn't necessary. I will be kind, I will be true to myself, and I will be the best friend I know how to be. I have nightmares about a few unfortunate events that took place in the past few years that burned down bridges bigger than the golden gate. I beat myself up. I want to say I'm sorry. I want to be told "I'm sorry too." But since forced friendships that have been broken have no real chance of repair, since words that were said can't be taken back, and since I'm making one hell of an effort to learn from it, the future is bright and clear.

Moving to a new state, where I don't know a soul, has been scary. But in a good way. We work at home, don't have any clear schedule. Doug has skateboarding, which is kind of like instant friend magic. And I have blogging. Oh Lord, I love blogging if only for the amazing friendships that I have cultivated. Blogging has taught me that the friends I need in my life are out there and they exist. Too bad we don't live next door to each other, but thank you for being in my life.

I can only hope that I make friends here that I mesh with. I hope that I can be brave. I plan on being generous with my friendships this year and in this place. How do you make friends? Have you had trouble maintaining friendships? Any tips or advice for a super awkward blogger in the world of making and maintain new friendships? This topic has been ablaze in my heart for a while and I would love to hear how you feel.

xo,
Beca

ps. I just wanted to share that recently, I texted an old friend {who I had a falling out with} while Doug and I were driving through New Orleans, where she moved to. I told her I missed her and I was sorry for everything that caused us to stop being friends and that I loved the shit out of her. It felt so good, that I didn't even need for her to write back. But she did and it made my whole year. If you're missing an old friend, maybe that's the secret to filling that little hole in your heart. I suggest it, big time!

34 comments:

  1. Beca we could twins with this entire situation. Chris has tons of friends and most of them he's had since childhood (preschool ever!) and I want so badly to have that for myself. You start to think "well they can't alllll be unreasonable, there has to be something about me that turns all these people away". But I've learned as you have that I'm a pretty awesome person, and I should be loved for who I am and if people don't like me, then I don't need them. I don't need to chase down friends because that's a flimsy foundation to start a relationship on. The trouble I have is that I can't quite open up around new people, but in the opposite way that you have. I'm a pretty good bullshitter, so even if I'm uncomfortable I can act breezy and confident, but that gives people the wrong impression of who I am, and I know I come off fake. But I'm workin on that cycle. I told you earlier about a reason this kind of thing resonates with me, about abandonment, and I've realized that when I was younger when I noticed people were starting to pull back i'd try to hold on as tightly as I could. Then in college I went through a "screw everyone" kind of phase. And now, I know that I am a person worth loving, and I just haven't found all of my people yet. They're out there, whether in blog land or down the street from me... They're there and I'll find them when I should. I seriosuly loved this post, Beca, thank you for speaking from your heart. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Susannah,
      I am so glad to know that you can relate and I totally understand giving off the wrong vibe. I am obviously insecure, so people probably get that right away, but when you are able to appear comfortable, I'm sure people cant see the real you. I know, just from our emails and texts that you are incredible, and if we met at a coffee shop or book store or wherever, I think we would still be friends which is pretty rad. Thanks for your comment and our ongoing emails last night kept me from sobbing. love.

      Delete
  2. We've moved a few times in the last 2 years and making friends as an adult is SO HARD. I work from home too and it's so difficult to even know where to meet people at this age. I've tried the bar but it seems like past the ages of 21-23, the people you meet at the bar are sad alcoholic people, which doesn't make for good friend material. So I've decided that I don't need a lot of friends, just maybe 2 or 3 really great ones and then some acquaintances. One of my main issues with making friends is that I have a very low tolerance for certain things, like drama, so I have to find people who don't aggravate me, which can be hard.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I bet a lot of people with blogs feel the same way. I'm totally Ryan's shadow in social situations, even when we're out with my friends! I'm a terrible friend, I'm too awkward and don't know how to reach out properly. It SUCKS. I have a bunch of internet friends who I wish were closer too, if only because we're equally as socially awkward but seem to connect on an intellectual level.

    I'm actually going to meet two internet friends this summer for real, and maybe a third! RAD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Its so rad to meet bloggers in the flesh! I hope you have a good experience! xoxo

      Delete
  4. Wow, Beca...I just read this entire post (nodding in agreement all the way down), and then I read Susannah's reply post, and I do think it's odd that there can be so many of us that feel the same way. How is that possible? Why do we think we are alone in these thoughts? That we are weird or awkward or less than? I, too, have a SUPER outgoing, friends-with-everyone, happy-go-lucky parnter. I am the one who gets social anxiety, and have to really pep myself up for social situations. Thank you for this. I am 30 and as you get older it IS harder to make friends, especially if you are shy. I think you are right, though. We just have to be our BRIGHT beautiful selves and not doubt that we each have something amazing to bring to the table, and the right friends will appreciate us for our uniqueness, not in spite of it. :) Glad to have found you on the itnernet, and realizing this blog thing is so powerful at connecting hearts across distances....Just this week, I've been thnking man, I would really like to hang with these people in "real" life...I also hope that things are working out on the etsy front...Been thinking about that and how hard you two must work and I hate that that was called into question...Wish you the best of luck in finding the courage to keep that heart open and allowing happiness and love find its way in.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Man, friendship is hard. There are days when I'm out walking the dog and let fly a single stoic, iconic indian tear for my inconsolable loneliness in the world. Other days I have trouble balancing my social calender of brunch, lunch, bikeride, hike, workdate, show, and drinks. Yet, the times of feast never seem to bolster the times of famine and I definitely have had some touch-and-go moments transitioning from teenager-obession-always-together friendship and cool, planning-based adult friendship.

    Providence is a very easy city to meet people in. When I moved here, I had 3 or 4 friends yet, even without their help, I feel like my friendship base would have swollen because all the creative weirdos stick together out here and, frankly, that scene is so small that any new person is instantly the most popular kid in town. However, what I have had trouble with is the depth of friendships that I have been able to make. When it comes to friendships, I am realizing that I tend to give too much and, sadly, don't often see a return on that loyalty. Regardless, I've spent the last few months trying to cultivate better friendships with the handful of folks that have shown tremendous potential (not just recently but, like, people that I've now been meaning to spend quality time with for years!) To me, the essence of friendship is the short hang out. It's nice to spend all day out or go to parties and bars but for me, the true test is having a person who will love you even if you are only stopping by for dinner or driving to a weird neighborhood to check out something you found on Craigslist.

    To increase the wind of this comment, I'm going to mention the best friendship advice that I have been given so far. In high school, my friend, Chris, was a social wizard. Everyone loved him but in a blanket way- everyone loved him because he was able to foster a unique connection with each person. And that was kind of a revelation for me. So I watched him and noted how he would talk to people. For the duration of each interaction, he seemed to treat each person like they were the only one in the world and gave them a few minutes of actual, engaged interaction. Wow wow wow! Not exactly "friendship problem solved" for youngster Liz, but it made quite an impression on me and I do strive (still) to achieve his high standard.

    Or my short advice is, if you want to be in the land of no-filter, say-what-you-want, you might have to spend some time with us Yankees, darlin'! We're experts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Elizabeth, I always look forward to your comments, as I think we are very similar. Thank you!

      Delete
    2. Me too! I like keeping in touch with you, girl! Oddly enough, it's on the internet that I feel like I have a difficult time making friends and forging good connections.

      Delete
  7. WE ARE THE SAME PERSON. No joke. The same.

    I am the absolute worst at making friends. I have literally TWO girlfriends, but they've been my best friends since I was 12, so naturally we are friends. But when it comes to new friends, I can't do it. I don't mix with girls at all. I do the same thing--I get awkward, I push up my glasses, play with my hair, don't make eye contact.

    But honestly, the blog world has changed that for me. I think that making friends this way is a million times easier because we all already have so very much in common. And if you ever DO get to meet blog friends in real life, all of that awkwardness completely goes away.

    Yeah, sometimes I feel bummed that I'm a nerd and most of my friends are blog friends, but who cares? They're still there to listen when I'm sad, support me when something cool happens, and laugh with me. They can't go on coffee dates or thrifting trips, but I can text them, chat with them, and email them all the same.

    Anyway, I love you and you should always be yourself. And I consider you one of my great, great blog friends!! <333

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We really are so very similar. You have better style though! hehe.

      love you too.

      Delete
  8. Reading over the answers above me, I think they are right, a lot of people who blog feel the same way. I know I like that I can really think about what I am putting out there, and I have a chance to think about what I'm saying instead of being a big awkward dork! I have met a few people who I know through blogs (always by accident, because making plans makes me NERVOUS!) and it was great. You feel like you know them a little bit already, and you have things to talk about.
    My husband is really friendly and can be comfortable in pretty much any situation, where I am the exact opposite. I have a few close friends in town, but that is because we have known each other since high school so I don't worry about the impression i'm making on them. We can be silly and weird and I don't even think about it. Travis always invites people over from work and it freaks me out because the house is always a mess and i don't want to have to be "on' all night. I could spend a whole week in the house, while he goes stir crazing staying in the house for one day! I know it drives him crazy some times and he is always trying to get me to be more outgoing. But I guess I feel like i don't need to be friends with 1000000 people.
    So I guess what I'm saying is I don't really have advice! But you seem so awesome and I've heard that Chatanooga is pretty awesome and i bet there is someone in that town who you will click with! Be brave gurrrl!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I cant wait for our lunch date! Thanks for your comment!

      Delete
  9. What a great post! I think you and I could be twins. Everything you wrote up there is exactly how I feel about myself, even down to meeting your soul mate with a billion friends and trying to fit your way in to that. I wish We could move to TN, because you and I would hang out with our dogs every damn day!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I really enjoyed reading this post, while I wish I had a magic cure for you or some sort of advice on how to make friends, it's not that easy. I think it's awesome that you re-connected with an old friend as that is never easy...I mean it is, technically all you had to do was send a text right? But emotionally, it's not easy. I love blogging for the friendsghips I have made too...and it makes me sad/mad/angry every damn day that we don't all live in the same town haha...but I guess that's kind of part of the fun right? There's always the opportunity to visit.

    Good luck m'dear! You are a great person so I find it surprising that you don't make friends easily.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Carly. I think I am a great person too, not in boisterous way, but I try to be rad....but friendship is still tricky for me...

      Delete
  11. XOXOXOXO
    I hear you on the making friends front. It's tough, meeting someone you really click with, when there isn't school or something to introduce you to a ton of people so you can meet that special one or two! I became friends with a girl at my new job & "adopted" her as my little sister, and now she's moving to Calgary & I'm in a bit of denial. I love her and am totally gonna cry when she goes. She's the first new friend I've made that I really clicked with in a lonnng time.

    See if you can find a craft night, art class, reading club... something along those lines in your area. If you go to a few of those you probably stand a better chance of meeting a kindred spirit!
    I am still desperately waiting for teleporters to be made so that we can go thrifting & bike riding with our distant blogger pals :)
    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I certainly should try some groups, that may help! That's such a great suggestion!

      Delete
  12. Don't you wish making friends as an adult was as easy as sharing your blue crayon or swapping sandwich triangles at lunch? Or that getting rid of those who don't suit you was as easy as saying "YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE!"? When you're young, it's easy. You're in school and you're in an environment where you're forced to interact with the people around you, you have to team up for projects or pick partners for activities, you almost have to make do with what you've got or you'll be lonely with no one to trade juice boxes with. As an adult, making friends is a whole different ballgame, and the best most awesome part is that you get to choose your family. I'm an only child too and I spent a lot of time (and still do!) keeping myself entertained, talking to myself (in the most non-crazy/crazy way), and finding ways to make myself happy...the best thing in the world is knowing that you get to choose who your brothers and sisters are, but finding your tribe isn't always easy. Chad and I mostly work from home and when we lived in Humboldt we lost the few friends we had when we moved there to some eye opening shit (sometimes you have to weigh the pro's and con's of your friendship, and sometimes you have to know when it's okay to let go)...it was hard to go from our "old life" in Arizona where we knew tons of people and were greeted with friendly faces and familiarity everywhere we went, to our "new life" in California where no one knew us, where we were quite obviously the new kids in town (with our tattoos and black clothes among a sea of rainbow tie-dye and dreadlocks). We lived there for 6 years and our best friend was a 60-something year old woman whom we dubbed our "fairy godmother", she is still one of the most amazing people I know and I am so happy to be able to call her a friend. And while there were times where we wished there were people our own age to hang with (we aren't bar people or club people), we were so thankful to have that one person we could call to go out to mexican food with or to walk dogs or bigfoot hunt with. Now that we're back in AZ we have reconnected with some of our old friends, and we're fortunate enough to have made a few new ones...but I'm not too quick to throw around the word "friend", so I suppose for now I'm still considering then acquaintances. Anyway, the point is that you have to look at your life in a new way, get a fresh perspective on things...maybe at this point in time you aren't supposed to have a slew of friends, maybe right now you are supposed to focus on you, maybe you are supposed to be putting that energy and love that you would be putting into friendships into your relationship with Doug. Chad is my very best friend (for 10 years!) and I know, like I know like I know like I know, that as long as I have him, everything will always be okay. I would rather hang with him than hang with anyone else, and maybe that sounds silly, but I don't connect with anyone the way I connect with him. I have one best girl friend in San Diego and one great girlfriend in Phoenix, and that's about it. I can count all of my actual friends on one hand and I am totally okay with that. We are community seekers by nature, we do better in numbers because deep down we know that we can't possibly do it all on our own...but sometimes it's important to find that wholeness within yourself before you can really open up and receive. You aren't meant to exist on your own, but you are here to find out who you are and what you need. I kind of think it's like finding a mate, when you're looking it's just not happening, but the moment you start focusing on yourself and doing you, that's when you'll find what you were looking for. Sorry to be so long winded...but you know what I'm sayin'...I feel ya! ;)
    Hugs and High Fives!
    -M

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so glad for your lengthy comment. I always appreciate your comments. Finding a good group of friends isn't always easy and it can be so heartbreaking when you think you have a good group that falls apart.

      I wish we lived closer to get mexican food and walk the dogs!

      Delete
  13. totally get you lady - i could have written that post myself! i moved schools lots as a kid, and always felt like the awkward new girl who never made friends.

    my teens were pretty traumatic in so many ways, and i just never quite figured out the whole 'making friends' thing.

    my husband is really social and has a tonne of friends. me, well, i'm shy and awkward and have a tendancy to say stupid things ;p

    like you I'm incredibly insecure which can make me come across as bratty.

    it's taken me 30 years to figure out that i am an awesome person... and that it's ok to like spending time byself. i have made myself make more of an effort into 'real life friendships'... but i think i'm destined to be that weird loner girl forever!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Polly, thanks for you comment. Do you think having kids changes how to seek friendships as an adult. I know all of the women i know with kids tend to hang out with each other, which is another thing, we don't have kids so its been harder for me to make friends with women my age who are moms. If that makes any sense...

      Delete
  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You have no idea how much this post touched me. I'm a freshman in college this year, and I knew I couldn't stand living in my hometown any longer, so I moved about two hours away. I made a friend at orientation a couple months before the fall semester started, and she became my best friend. That was until we started hanging out with other people in my dorm, and she slowly began to show her true colors. She has been mean and cruel just for kicks and it drove me crazy because she was (I thought) all I had. Luckily, this semester I have begun spending more time with the other gal pals in my life including my fantastic roommate, and they are far more supportive and understanding than the first girl ever was.

    Sorry to ramble, but I just thought I'd share this revelation with you. I was forced to come to terms with the fact that it's okay to start over, even if it's scary as hell to be alone. It's better to be alone than have your life crowded with people who don't deserve the space.

    ps: I'd count myself lucky to be a friend to someone as quirky, talented, and sweet as you.
    kthalsema@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Kaitlyn,
      I had a VERY similar experience in college. Its hard to not become super close to the first person you meet, but college is a great place to make life long friends and test the waters when it comes to friendships. I hope that your new friends are good to you and you do feel like you have be anything but you!
      xo
      B

      Delete
  16. aw, this is great, and there are SO many people that feel the EXACT same way as you, but not many people talk about it. i think everyone just assumes that everyone else has a big group of friends that they hang out with all the time, but more often than not it just isn't true. and because of that, i always wonder why people are so shy or awkward about just starting up a friendship!

    i'm like you: potty mouth, no filter, completely honest, and maybe a little or a lot odd. i used to try my hardest to just fit in, but it's like swimming upstream with no rest - it's unnatural and just can't last. i don't have a lot of close friends, although i wish i had more, but i decided to just be myself, and people who can appreciate will find their way into my life, and me into theirs. there are still people i see occasionally, and i know we couldn't be close because i can't be the reserved, conservative friend they want (oh, and i don't have a baby), and i'm okay with that if it means not having to be someone other than me! so, after all this rambling, what i really mean to say is that you should always be you, and there will always be people who appreciate that, it just may take some looking to find them!

    ReplyDelete
  17. It's like you're inside my head Beca. No joke. I've been thinking and dwelling on this exact subject for a while now, and especially since my husband and I moved here to san diego. I definitely feel like it's harder to make new friends in your late 20's, early 30's. And I'm a bit similar to you in that I'm kinda shy when I first meet people. Large groups make me nervous. I'm much better one-on-one.

    When I moved to Spain before coming here (to live on the military base there), it took me over a year to really open up and connect with a few good ladies who also lived there. Now they're my really good friends. So I feel like the same will probably happen here. I'm just slow to warm up I guess. Unlike my husband, who can walk into a bar and make three new friends by the time we leave.

    You also mentioned above about it maybe being harder to find child-less friends who are the same age as you.....I totally can relate to this. I'm 31, and most women my age have popped out a kid or two (especially the wives of my husband's co-workers....military wives are reallly good at making babies.) There's been a couple exceptions, but I find it difficult to connect with someone who's a mom (even more so when they're younger than me). Conversations always lead back to something baby or toddler-related, or I feel forced to ask about their kid, which just makes me feel awkward and out of place.

    Nevertheless, this is a great post, and I'm glad you wrote about this. It's nice to read other people's insights on this too :]

    ReplyDelete
  18. ^^^dude. exact. same. as me. You literally just typed out what I've been thinking in my head all month! My coworkers all got boyfriends, and two of my best friends moved, my other one studies every day, so now of course I realize that I need to maintain some other friendships. For some reason, maybe it's just me, but doing that in Chicago seems to be difficult because people are doing their own thing, or they already have a million freakin' friends.

    So last week, I met a girl who follows me on instagram (apparently we were FB friends too but i never pay attention to FB). She commented asking if I wanted to get coffee some time because her boyfriend lives in my neighborhood, and we did. We chatted for about 2 hours and then yesterday we went thrifting. Nerdy as it sounds, I'm so excited about it haha

    If only we can get all the girls commenting in one room, so we can be awkward together, and we can be completely comfortable about it. Advice? I really liked how my new friend flat out was like "Lets get coffee". I want to start saying that to more people.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I've been saving this to comment on for awhile, but I am glad I did because the comments were almost as amazing as your post :)

    I am in a similar boat, I moved recently (Well, OK, it's been a year and a half now) and it was really hard at first. I left a best friend and casual friends that I had worked really hard to develop relationships with. We luckily knew a few people here, but it was still hard. They were flakey and so different than me, and it was really, really hard on me to not take things personally. But I kept hanging out with them because "OMG I need friends!" But in the last six months I just sort of distanced myself, and tried to make more of an effort to friend friends who made me feel good about myself. It's been hard and I go through phases where it really bothers me, and others where it bothers me less.

    My husband is actually more shy than me (!) But, he is shy in a different way. So we totally reinforce shy habits in each other. Luckily, we have no problem being chatty with each other, the good part of marrying your best friend :)

    It does seem to be harder as you get older. Colin and I are in a position now where we are in our late twenties, but we don't have kids. We have a hard time relating to our friends who are still in that "21 year old mindset" but at the same time, we aren't in a place where we have a kids and the whole full-fledged adult life.

    Anyhow. I'll stop rambling now, as you can probably see from all the comments, you are definitely not alone in your feelings ! <3

    ReplyDelete
  20. I really related to all of this, right down to being with a gregarious social butterfly of a man. I love reading your blog-- it's honest and true, and never hipper than thou or cataloguing some unrealistic level of perfection. It's just your life, rad adventures and insecurities and all. If you ever want another friend in the Chattanooga area, get in touch. I feel like we could get along famously.

    ReplyDelete