Friday, June 3, 2011

Mini-Meltdown, Angst and Friendship

This is one of the only photos I have of myself as a baby. My mom has boxes and boxes of photos, but you already know that situation. So, my dad sent me this photo with my rock collection and I love it. It is so me. Tank top, sweet shades and uh...a sideways cap? Ha!

I was feeling sad last night and cried for a little while on my boyfriends lap and talked nonsense until I realized I'm just stressed out. I'm still sick and it's taking a toll on me, I need more hours at work, I'm worried about bills, and I miss my mom. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of great things going on right now, and we're happy. But, I'm human and I have mini-breakdowns sometimes. Maybe more often than other people, or maybe not. I don't know.

I was thinking a lot after reading Danielle's post about friendship. It actually affected me a lot more than I expected. I can be very much a homebody, I like being in a comfortable space, I don't like being in a place where I don't know very many people, or where I can't hear people talk, or where I feel out of place/insecure. I am not one to go out by myself, so when Doug is out skating, or goes to bars, I opt to stay home. I'm not a drinker, and I like hanging out, but I can only do that so much before I get bored and antsy. That's just me. But, I don't really have anyone besides Doug to talk to, and a handful of blogger friends who shower me with incredible heartwarming emails, and maybe that's why I love blogging so much. It feels like I am having conversations with my pals and it feels natural. And I don't even have to brave the crowds of everyday society.

This isn't really the post I planned on writing, and has kind of gone off into a million tangents, but my brain is racing. Anyways, I guess I am just feeling disjointed, uncertain, and miss having girlfriends to talk to. My Tucson friends all have families and little children and don't have the time to talk on the phone with little old me. It's not the same anyways, as eating pizza and riding bikes and talking for hours and hours. It just isn't the same.

I miss Alex and Alita, the two best friends I have that I am sad to realize we're drifting as far as the miles that are between us.
I don't know why all of this is racing through my mind, but I had to get it out and let go and start focusing on the positive things that are happening in my life. I'm trying. I have a lot of ideas and have a lot of goals that need to be reached. These mini-meltdowns are just hindering the process of being successful.

So friends, thanks for listening. I'm pretending we're eating pizza and riding bikes right now. How do you deal with stress? How do you handle the everyday challenges of being broke, young, insecure, tired, and generally awkward? Do you ache for different friendships? Do you want to be penpals, skype, plan trips or come over and have a craft night? Because I do. Do you want my advice, do you want to give me yours? Am I the only one struggling with these things right now?

Now I am going to kick todays ass. Keep it real friends and thanks again.



  1. that's exactly how i am stressed out! crying on husband's lap or while listening to songs... my husband used to know that if he heard coldplay's "lost" that i was not in a good mood. lol sometimes i get the blues for no good reason other than the things that can seriously keep you up at night... like bills/jobs/etc.

    being homesick doesn't help either.

    i told danielle that i was so glad she posted that (cos i know sometimes it's hard to talk about "real feelings" on blogs) because the response was incredible. So i say YES to eating pizza and writing letters, and trips! and advice! (THANKS for yours on my issue)

    it's true that friendships are like relationships aren't they? the worse is a friendship break-up... almost worse than losing a lover.

    it's a gift from blogging... finding true friends you wouldn't have crossed paths with because of the miles. i know i've found my soul mates on here and though ive been blessed to meet two in "real life"-- it certainly doesn't take from the ones i haven't met and that includes you!

    so go and kick today's ass! ;)

    love you! <3

  2. You are def not alone. I feel like this daily.
    I often feel as though I am not good enough, im not fancy or anything really special. I miss having girlfriends to hang out with and be stupid and go shopping. Its just not the same with the bf. There's something different about female companions

  3. and i totally meant to say i LOVE that photo of baby you! :)

  4. I think that what you're feeling is totally natural. I lived with my husband (then fiance) in Portland for a year and had virtually no friends, despite the fact that I actively tried to meet people. It's just difficult to form new relationships after college. Ultimately I needed to move back to Chicago to be with my friends. NEEDED it. The hubs, somehow, went along with this and I am a million and one times happier now. Bottom line, everyone needs friends beyond their significant other. That's just too much pressure to put on a relationship. And, women especially need women friends. :)

  5. holy moly, can i relate to you lady! i would love to be bike riding and eating pizza with you today. i'm lucky to have a bunch of close friends. the problem? they live in oklahoma, texas, south carolina, maryland and other far away parts of pennsylvania! my husband is super awesome, but sometimes i miss hangouts with one of my girlfriends and talking for hours about nothing and everything. i met a new girl that i clicked with the other week, and you'd think i'm 16 with a new boyfriend, i was so giddy about getting lunch and chit chatting!

    i love sending mail and try to send letters and packages often, since it's so hard for life to get too busy and push friends aside. i make such an effort to be a good friend, and it's working well but its hard!

    keep your chin up lady, and if you want new pen pals, let me know!

    xo.anna marie

  6. hi, newish to your blog...sorry for creeping in and commenting here first off...i totes struggle with all these things. trying to focus on what you're good at always seems to help (which you apparently do. nice eyeball cake!), but it's still difficult sometimes. my only friends until I turned twenty were my parents, and now we seem to have cut off communication finally and i've settled in a new country, it's like starting life again. only in my late twenties, when i'm supposed to be over awkwardness, and have a bit more confidence. i am so awkward. starting roller derby has helped a little though.

    hope the day's ass was def kicked.

  7. I can totally relate to this post. Since moving to a new city less than a year ago I feel like I've become even more of a homebody. The mounting debt I'm incurring from being a student and not working enough can be such a toll on my heart/mind.

    I feel like it's so hard to meet with people, and form real bonding genuine friendships. I feel like I live in a city of people who I have a lot in common with, yet I often end up feeling so isolated. My best friend is a state away and I feel like inevitably it's hard to maintain the close friendship we had when we lived closeby.

    If we lived closer I would totally invite you over for a baking party/craft night! And I'm always down for another penpal if you're interested :)