We all have our insecurities. Whether it be in our relationships. our body image, our job, the way we dress, or whatever. It's so common, I know, but it's hard to NOT feel totally alone and stupid for feeling that way. As I get older, it is easier to recognize my insecurities. It's hard to not fight them. Ignore them. Worry over them. I admit, there has been times in which I would fixate on something in my life and it would overwhelm me. I've been jealous, green with jealousy. Green until I turned red. Green until I hated myself for feeling full of jealousy or worry. And then, i learned how to talk. I am lucky enough to have a partner in my life who knows me better than I know myself. And when I feel jealous or self loathing or insecure, he knows. And we talk. He never over-assures me that I don't need to be jealous. He never gives into my self deprecation. Instead, we talk about why I am feeling jealous or being down on myself. He tells me what he sees and what is the truth to him. My life and relationship has never been healthy than it is today.
I am not perfect. Not by any means. And that is the beauty of it. I know that I could lose weight to be healthier. I am very, very aware of it. And I have my off days. I have days when I cry because I hate all of my clothes, or I look in the mirror and just don't like what I see. It's natural. I have been at my ideal weight, and I liked being there. I have also been on the other side of the spectrum. When I was dealing with depression some years ago, I was at my heaviest. I hated every part of my life and I used food as self-soothing medicine. I didn't love myself, and it showed. I hid under layers of clothing and long hair and just worked at eating myself to death. It was a really dark time in my life. And then I broke free. I lost over 80 pounds and learned how to love myself. Of course, I still had really hard days. And those days were full of binge eating. But I got help, I met the love of my life. I discovered bike riding. I learned how to enjoy food, and not use it as a tool. I got rid of all the negativity and hurt and just moved forward!
It's always been more than body image though. It took me a long time to discover who I was, and who I wanted to be. I went through a lot of dress styles, adapted to being a new weight, tried new things, made new friends, lost friends too. I don't regret anything. I'm not ashamed of anything. I experienced a lot of good and bad, and it has shaped me to who I am today. And here I am. For the most part, I love myself. I love my life and I feel happy. There are the obvious things that have been stressful, that I have mentioned in my blog and have shared with you. I worry about the everyday things like money and work. I will say that you will probably see less of that. I want my blog to be a positive place. It will, of course, pop up ever so often. But the more I eradicate it from my life, the happier I will be. The more I will love myself. The more I will love what I do.
I have to say though, I don't worry that much anymore. I never worry about my relationship, because I know I don't need to. It's unnecessary stress that I bring on myself. I don't worry about my job, because I know that if it doesn't work out, I can get another one. I don't worry about my family, because I know that I love them and they love me, regardless of the ups and downs we have had. I try not to worry about the way I look and just love who I see in the mirror. I know I can work on the things I don't like, but when it comes down to it, I am who I am and I'm beautiful. I have enough love in my life that I will never be hungry, I will never be homeless, and I will never be without love.
Trust me, none of this happened overnight. It has been a 10 year struggle. I'm turning 26 this year, and I am not a kid anymore. I have to pay bills, and I have creatures and an incredible man who rely on my to be in their lives. I am responsible for my future and I am responsible for my own happiness. I read once in this strange old 1950s palm reading book I found at a yard sale the sentence "You are the architect of your own happiness" and that has always stuck with me. Not that I am interested in palm reading, but was fascinated with the idea of palm reading in the 1950s. I still have that little book tucked away in our bookshelf. Just for that one sentence. I am building my future every moment, and I want to make it count.
I hope that by sharing this, you have gotten to know me a little better. This is where I come from and who I am today. I try hard to be happy and often times, don't have to try at all. I know that I am never alone. Whether it be my little family in this old house, or my blood family across the nation, my friends who I can hug and tell my secrets to, to my new blog friends who I have come to love. and care about. Even my puppies are a huge piece in the puzzle in my happiness and I am thankful to have their love. There is no guidelines for happiness. There is no specific way you are supposed to look, or dress, or feel. Blaze your own trail and be the architect of your own happiness!