Friendships and Other Battles of the Heart

I know I am not alone in this quest of mid-20s friendship, but I have been feeling weighted by its importance in the last few months. To preface, I don't know how to explain how I am with friendships. I am shy. An awkward shy that is hidden by my tendency to talk to much about nothing, stutter and constantly adjust my hair/glasses/boots/purse. It doesn't help that I am incredibly insecure. That doesn't make friendships easy. Nor does moving to a new place, where I work at home, and could not leave the house in a week except to go to the post office and not notice.

I don't have a lot of experience with friendships. I had a relatively sheltered childhood of being the perpetual only child-loner-book worm, met trauma at a young age, entered adulthood pretty late, and jumped right into the social cesspool of after-college HOW THE HELL DO I MAKE FRIENDS IN THIS BIG GIANT WORLD stage. I tried the party-friend-path. I tried the work-friends-road. I tried the roommates-so-we-must-be-friends route. I have had failure with all of them. Am I too judgmental? {sometimes} Am I annoying? {probably} Am I too honest, or say whats on my mind too much? {absolutely} Do I get too comfortable? {maybe} Am I just a weirdo? {yes}

I spent a long time wondering if I was just a crappy friend-roommate-boss {note to self: don't ever try to be best friends with your employees/co-workers while y'all work together, it's oil and water.} And I went through a phase where I surrounded myself with people who I didn't necessarily get along with because I just wanted that companionship. I'm too transparent for that and I'm sure I have hurt feelings and burned bridges...I'm sorry for that. But then, I met Doug. My very best friend in the entire universe. The person who I have to, want nothing more than, no question about it, will spend the rest of my life with. Not to be a big cheese ball, but my soul mate. Doug, unlike me, has lots of friends. He is social and friendly and easy to get along with. So, of course, I made a huge effort to befriend his friends. Some I clicked with perfectly and still consider some of my closest friends. Others, well, they made me question myself again. Am I that crappy of a person that they can't stand me. They want nothing to do with me? Or wait, news flash, we don't have to be best friends. I have realized in the past few months that I shouldn't have to TRY to be someones friend. I shouldn't have to be anything other than my big, beautiful self. Full glory. Not really, I mean some discretion is appreciated. But I am going to be 27 in just a few short months. I refuse to walk on egg shells. I refuse to be silent and made to feel excluded or out of place. No matter how much I want friends, I don't deserve that.

BUT, I am not innocent. I have no filter. If you know me in real life, I will say just about anything that comes to mind, and not realize that it could be hurtful. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I can't pretend to be stoked if I'm not. I can't fake it. I just can't. And my insecurities can turn me into a total brat. And there in lies the problem. As a grown up, I should know how to do this. I shouldn't be all willy nilly with my thoughts and words. So since we moved to Chattanooga, I have made a few vows to myself when it comes to friendships. I want to make friends. I want to go on coffee dates and go thrifting and go on bike rides. I want someone to talk to face to face about nothing and everything. Girlfriend stuff.

I will make a conscious effort to not be an awkward mess when we go out. I wont hide in Doug's shadow and I will be open to meeting new people. I will not be judgmental. I will not always say exactly what I am thinking, because to be quite frank, it just isn't necessary. I will be kind, I will be true to myself, and I will be the best friend I know how to be. I have nightmares about a few unfortunate events that took place in the past few years that burned down bridges bigger than the golden gate. I beat myself up. I want to say I'm sorry. I want to be told "I'm sorry too." But since forced friendships that have been broken have no real chance of repair, since words that were said can't be taken back, and since I'm making one hell of an effort to learn from it, the future is bright and clear.

Moving to a new state, where I don't know a soul, has been scary. But in a good way. We work at home, don't have any clear schedule. Doug has skateboarding, which is kind of like instant friend magic. And I have blogging. Oh Lord, I love blogging if only for the amazing friendships that I have cultivated. Blogging has taught me that the friends I need in my life are out there and they exist. Too bad we don't live next door to each other, but thank you for being in my life.

I can only hope that I make friends here that I mesh with. I hope that I can be brave. I plan on being generous with my friendships this year and in this place. How do you make friends? Have you had trouble maintaining friendships? Any tips or advice for a super awkward blogger in the world of making and maintain new friendships? This topic has been ablaze in my heart for a while and I would love to hear how you feel.

xo,

Beca

ps. I just wanted to share that recently, I texted an old friend {who I had a falling out with} while Doug and I were driving through New Orleans, where she moved to. I told her I missed her and I was sorry for everything that caused us to stop being friends and that I loved the shit out of her. It felt so good, that I didn't even need for her to write back. But she did and it made my whole year. If you're missing an old friend, maybe that's the secret to filling that little hole in your heart. I suggest it, big time!

Playing Catch Up

Pica, Picachu! Hello, I am here!!!

I'm not going to lie, I am ridiculously behind on EVERYTHING, not excluding laundry, shipping stuff for the shop (sorry customers who read this, I put little extras in your package to make up for it!) eating normal meals, cleaning the bathroom, picking up the backyard, emails, and a whole bunch of other stuff. It's not like I am moving in super speed, but I am running around like crazy all day, apparently making Pokemon cakes, and then come home and can't seem to move fast enough. I just want to lay around. But, riding my bike to work, being on my feet all day long (I never take real breaks besides tweet, pee and snack breaks...why would I want to be at work longer than I already am!)

So really, when I come home, I get on the internet and play with photos and watch TV and help Doug with his sunglasses. Sometimes I make dinner, but mostly, we've been eating cheez-its, ramen and Hawaiian Punch for dinner. I told you, I'm not going to lie. But, we have been busy little tumbleweeds making a crazy amount of sunglasses.

Look at this craftsmanship. So clean and made by hand!!

It's been two weeks to the day since we started listing these in the shop, and we are already on no. 11. which is insane to me. I am so glad they are picking up. We love making them and it is a great and affordable way to have customized glasses. And I don't really mind the makeshift studio in our livingroom, as our real studio is piled high with wood!!

I obviously love mine!!! I am still rocking the number ones. The first ones ever made. See, look, that's me at my favorite place wearing my favorite shades.

(No. 11 refers to how many we have sold, not how many we have made. There was about a month of prototyping and experimenting with wood and glue and enamel, and have a basket of the ones that didn't make the cut. Dougie has high standards for his art and these not excluded.)

I don't know if you have noticed, but my real glasses, the ones with my prescription in them are D&G faux-wood frames and I have had them for-ev-errrrrr. (insert The Sandlot-esque voice, please!) Uh...the wood is faux, not the stupid designer label that cost waaay too much but make me really really happy. Anyways, I won't take any credit for Doug's creations, but I do consider myself something like a muse. Something like it.... ;)

On another note, some douchebag hit (and run) our van last night, so this morning, after I had to leave really early for work on the old bike, Doug went out to leave for work and couldn't get the van started. We didn't realize until after he had to call out from work, and discovered the van actually would start on Neutral, that the lovely person taco-ed our front rim and knocked the van so hard that it won't go into park (hence not being able to start it this morning.) Also, the whole front end vibrates when we drive it now. It sucks because the rims are brand new, and really expensive. I know it stupid to be upset because the rim is messed up, but we work hard for everything we have, and we don't have much. The van is important to us. A few months ago, we needed new tires and our friend got rims that didn't fit his impala, so we bought the rims and tires off him. It took three paychecks to pay them off and now, we probably have to get new ones. Our vacation funds are dwindling bill by bill. Bummmers.

BUT, I should be thankful that they didn't damage the actual van and only the rim because that would have made us really sad. Our van just may end up being our home one of these days (at least while we travel) and keeping it in good condition is a high priority for my man.

So, if you want to help us fix our van and replenish our vacation funds, you can use the COUPON CODE "FIXTHEVAN" in our shop for a 10% discount on any and all items, including sunglasses! Oh hell yaah! Only for a week or so, and then it will be June and you can head over to some pages we're sponsoring for coupon codes. ;) More on that later!!

Okay, I am actually going to go make dinner. A little late, but I'm hungry!! Then back to work packaging up treasures and watching cartoons with my number one!

I love you all and feel like I am back in the zone when it comes to blogging and junk.

xo,

Beca

Dear Mom,

I better just spit this out while I still have it in me. I'm going to warn you, this isn't what you want to hear, but it's all I have to say on the matter.

So, Dear Mom,

I know we're not talking right now, or rather, you're not talking to me. I know we haven't had the easiest life. I am fully aware of the events that have taken place that have torn our lives into pieces. You used to be my best friend, but that changed. I grew up, I became the person I am. I have a college degree, I don't do drugs, smoke, drink, commit crimes, be mean or do much of anything, really. BUT I know I am not the person you wanted me to be. I am covered in tattoos, have big gaping holes in my ears, I didn't do anything with my degree, rather followed my dreams and now get to do what I love everyday. I don't save money, I don't really care about money, and I have horrible credit. I am in a serious, beautiful relationship that fills my entire life with joy. I adopted an incredible dog that you never opened up to because of his breed, even though he is the sweetest dog in the world. Then I got another, even though you said I shouldn't. I moved to California and you never thought that would happen, did you? And I'm happy. I know you never expected that, either. I'm not saying you're never right. You taught me a lot and I owe you a lot. But. There is always the but in our relationship, huh?

Mother's day is supposed to be a joyous occasion. Celebrate motherhood. You've never let me do that. It was just a "hallmark" holiday that we didn't believe in. We. What a funny term. I miss you, Mom, but I refuse to accept the choices you've made. I will not pretend or be in denial about the truths that will haunt me my entire life. But, I have healed. I am healed. I am proud of who I have become and I am happy. So. Fucking. Happy. And I love you, Mom. I always will, even if you never talk to me again for the rest of my life. I wish you understood me, I wish you tried a little harder. I wish you would change. But that doesn't stop me from loving you.

I am your only child.

I am my mother's daughter. Whether you like it or not.

Happy mothers day.

Beca

Budgeting for Winners

I would like to preface this with the fact that I am the worst with money! I am a total space-case about everything, including bills and savings. Since I know I am not the only one out there, I though I would challenge all of you to join me in being more responsible and start saving some of that hard earned money! If you are awesome with paying bills, and saving money, and going on super rad trips without anyone else's help, then maybe you should be writing this?!!? Just kidding, you're awesome and someday we can compare notes, when I'm awesome too.

Now for the rest of us, who are not so awesome at money matters, but rather awesome at dropping $20 bills on the sidewalk, leaving dollars in pockets for the washing machine to destroy, eating out on the reg, collecting traffic tickets like lotto, playing lotto like it's a board game, and just plain being reckless. I am among you, my dear friends.

I have recently started using Mint.com and I LOVE IT! Did I mention how much I love it. It lets me categorize all my spending and lets me create budgets that are personalized to our life and our schedule. It's super easy and it also encourages me to NOT always use cash, but rather to use my debit card. No more saving reciepts that I wont ever look at again,

I am loving working on a budget and seeing how long it will take us to save for a vacation or for emergencies, or for new toys (like an iphone and a new camera.) I don't have any credit cards. In fact, truth be told, I have horrible credit! I have the kind of credit that your parents warn you about when you get your first credit card in the mail. And it all came down to one, little credit line for a measly $250. I was too young and irresponsible to have a credit card with the only advice "don't do it!" Of course, I have occasionally forgotten or opted to skip paying certain bills that will have damaged my credit also. Eventually I will fix it, and be on my merry way, but it is a long and rocky road.

If you are more organized than I am, which is super easy, and you don't use billpay, my buddy Allison created this awesome (and cute) way to pay your monthly bills. And because she is so sweet, she made it free to download and print!

These kinds of worksheets are a great way to stay on track and also be used as a reminder for the next months bills. Another great tip I have for the forgetful of us is use your cell phone calender reminders. When you get the pink slip in the mail that your power bill is due by the 5th, mark your phone for the 3rd or 4th that you need to pay your bill. It's a great way to utilize your technology and stay on top of bills. I don't do automatic payments but I do schedule payments through billpay. I like having more control over when I pay my bills, so automatic payments make me nervous. That's why I like using work sheets and software and being proactive towards being a better budgeter.

1. Always assume the worse. I know that sounds bad, but seriously, unless you have a set amount you pay monthly, always expect it to be more. Anything extra can go right into your savings account, but if it is more, you have budgeted the difference and you know you'll have enough money to keep that cable TV humming and cell phone twittering away.

2. Always pay SOMETHING! Even if you don't have enough money to pay a bill in full, always at least pay a portion and then call and let someone know when you can pay the rest. With the economy the way it is, it is better to at least pay a portion of a bill than to just ignore it until you have the money. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it happens to everyone, but as long as you communicate with your provider, they are usually willing to work with you.

3. Try to cut corners. WHAT? Cut corners!! I don't mean skip paying bills, but rather, I challenge you to this. Buy a premium bag of coffee, the creamer of your choice, and a bag of sugar. For this, this means about $20.00 for 2 weeks worth of coffee for two people. We used to spend $5 a day on coffee, if not more. Thats over $150.00 a month for coffee. JUST coffee! And if you really want to go crazy, make your own coffee at home and then pay the barista! Put a jar next to your coffee maker and put $5 in every morning! I bet you'll be shocked at the end of the month!

4. Make something regular like eating out or getting a snack or buying a dress a special event! If it means more or you do something to earn it, you are more likely to cherish it and save up for it. I love eating out, but if we make it a weekly special occasion, I know I am going to look forward to it all week and probably work really hard and stay really busy until that night comes.

5. Don't be a reckless shopper. Make a list! I created this little grocery list for you to print out!! It is super helpful to write down what you need and set a spending limit! Only spend what you can afford and nothing more. If you need to get a little treat for yourself, then set a limit on that. Say, you put a $5 limit for miscellaneous items, because sometimes we need a pack of gum or a magazine. We are human! At least set that so you don't leave the store with a pack of gum, a magazine AND new shoes, a lipstick, printer paper, hair dye and a new collar for your dog. I promise, your dog won't mind!

So, thats my two cents on cents and dollars. I will try to keep you updated on my progress with being more responsible with my hard earned money and if I come across any more tips, I will be sure to share them!

Now it's your turn! If you have any advice, tips, stories and experiences. Please share. I would love to hear about them, so that we can all learn together!

xo,

Beca

A Sneak Peek

We're doing what we do best tonight, of course, relaxing super hard with Beetlejuice on TV. This week has been crazy long and busy. Today, after work, we got Subway and watched The Goonies, and waited for the postman to bring Doug's new toy. We got him a new Pentax I-10. It's so cute and tiny, and takes beautiful photos. His fancy Olympus is so big and bulky, that it's hard to take everywhere, but this little guy fits right in his pocket. It was a kind-of sort-of anniversary gift.

Yes, three years ago tomorrow was when it all started. It seems like soooo long ago, and although we have had our ups and downs, no matter, it has been a beautiful journey and I look forward to many, many more. And plus, I get a trampoline out of it! Ha! I also made us a cake. Doug loves chocolate and I don't, but when it comes to cake, I'll make him whatever he wants.

"The World's Greatest" is a R Kelly song that Will Oldham covered. It's a really beautiful song, by both of them, but I especially love Will Oldham's version as Bonnie Prince Billy. We saw Will Oldham about 2 years ago in Phoenix. It was an incredible show. The song "The World's Greatest" is one of our favorites. I always text Doug right before he goes into work, just little things, and one of them is "You are the world's greatest" so I though that would be appropriate to write on a cake. Trust me I stood over this thing for a good 10 minutes thinking about all the stuff I could write. It was almost "and they try to pick me up" a stupid line from a stupid commercial that we say to each other constantly. It would have only been funny to us.

So anyways, the real day is tomorrow, but it doesn't really matter. It's just a day, but really, it feels like we have known each other for a million years, and I can't imagine my life without him. I feel incredibly blessed and lucky to be so happy and so very in love.

Can't wait for the swap meet in the morning!

What are you doing for Easter??

xo,

Beca

Story of my Life...er...Day.

I am going to preface this with the mandatory, I'm sorry I am not a positive and happy blogger lately, or all the time, but this blog is all about my life, which has both bad days and good days. Please read on to see the good in it..because there is good.

Today was another horrible, crappy day. It's like everything just building up and the stress just keeps getting worse. The beautiful cake I worked on for hours yesterday, the 10 layer baby birthday cake. Well, it was impeccable when it left my arms into the customers pick-up truck. I cringed and had a sinking feeling when they drove away to travel 20 minutes on the freeway in 85 degree weather. How could I not have a sinking feeling...of course, we got a phone call later. The cake fell apart. Well, no shit dude, the cake fell apart because you wanted to be cheap and pick it up yourself instead of letting us deliver it. You put it in a pickup truck in the sun and took it to an outdoor barbecue. A ten layer cake that had a buttercream frosting. Not fondant. Specifically not fondant. I can't help what happens to something I put my heart and soul into when the customer decides to make decisions that I wouldn't choose to make. I can tell you that I was absolutely devastated and called Doug crying my eyes out. It didn't matter, there was nothing I could have done differently. Absolutely nothing. But it still makes me really sad and I totally questioned my abilities, for a hot, hot second.

RIP, Piggie cake. You were adorable while in my life.

I would have rather you been eaten and enjoyed than fall apart.

At least my boss knows that it was not my fault. He watched me build up that cake. It has three dowels in it (it was TEN LAYERS!) and he felt the buttercream crust before we handed it off. Hard as a rock, ready to soften naturally to be eaten.

Has anyone else had any cake disasters? Or work related disasters that haunt them?

It also didn't help my day that somebody set the oven to 400 while I was baking 14 loaves of Honeycake for Passover. I caught it too late for them to be saved and had to ditch the whole batch. SO then I started over, made a half batch, and half of them fell. I read this though, about how delicate honeycake is and how it is prone to falling, and felt a lot better. It tasted delicious which was awesome. (Plus, if I flip the cake over, it looks perfect and you can't see where it fell!) I also made these pretty lemon raspberry cupcakes today.

On a brighter note, we've been working on a new project. It is a Wenge wood thin bangle. We're actually making them out of a bunch of different wood, but I only had enough light to take photos of this one. I am pretty in love with them. I would wear 100 at one time. That's me though. I love bracelets!

(My wrist looks totally deformed in that second photo, though. What's up with that?)

We also went to see Insidious tonight. And even though my pal Ainsley gave it very poor reviews via her Twitter, we loved it! It was a total throw back to 1970s occult-cult films with some Japanese styling and pacing, and some modern influence. I was especially taken with the title. It was very Rosemary Baby-esque, or Hell House. Or kind of Norwegian black metal.

The movie definitely had some slow moments, but Japanese Horror inspired pacing usually does. It is supposed to create suspense, but for most American audiences, it's just too slow and culturally doesn't have the same effect. I also appreciated the childlike view on demons and ghosts. It was very much through the eyes of the kid the films story revolved around. I could write for hours about movies, but I won't bore you.

We have plans to go to Santee for the swap meet tomorrow morning so I'm off to bed. I'm glad I have a little corner of the world to spill my guts. Thanks, friends! Tomorrow will be better! Especially since it's my day off!!!

xo,

Bec

Relics

I collect. I hoard. I tuck little folded love notes in pockets and keep them for years in old cookie tins with Swedish lovebirds on the lid. I pick up stones, dry flowers and wrap candies in foil, just to remember the taste. I keep relics so that in 100 years, our love will never be forgotten. Between the pages of a 1960s photo album are memories and truths. Facts. Fortune cookie stories and faded ticket stubs. I know each one. This is what my heart looks like. Cut it open, and dried butterfly wings, rusted keys, bits and pieces of bracelet charms and jagged edged rocks will spill out.

These are my relics.

Each one is delicate and full of life. The pages breathe and the tin can pulses with my love.

These are my relics.

xo,

Bec

Hello!

First of all, the blog buttons have been fixed, thanks to my pal Marie Bee. Thanks for letting me know the html was messed up. I hate it, html is my nemesis. Hence, my very simple and clean blog layout. You can also find the blog buttons on my sidebar, for the time being. i may find another place to store them later on... Now onto a much needed "about" page!

Oh hi! I deleted my "about" page a while ago, with the intentions to update it, but I thought today would be a good day to make a new one. So, in case you have questions about me, my blog, my boyfriend or dogs, my silly life or some random facts, well, here is your go-to place.

My name is Beca, with only one "c", I'm 25 years old and an August baby. The eternal Leo. I currently live in Southern California with my very rad best bud in the world and boyfriend of 3+ years, Doug, our three dogs and a temperamental cat. We have an awesome 1960's home with studio space that houses our many projects, including our vintage/handmade shop, Tumbleweeds Odd Shop. We also both work full time. Doug works as a carpenter in a high end wood shop and I am a pastry chef in a Jewish bakery. We both love taking photos, playing with our dogs, going on day trips and collecting treasures. We love our babies and they are such a huge part of our life (ie, I'm a crazy animal hoarder and Doug turns a blind eye.)

Ollie is our three year old Old Southern American Bulldog. (No, he is not a Pit-Bull Dalmatian mix!!) He is a really great dog and I can't imagine my life without him. You can read his adoption story HERE!

Charlie is our 6 year old Boston Terrier and he is a dream dog, except when he gets into the trash. He is a chubby, mellow puppy and has the cutest personality. He likes watching TV and eating. He really likes eating. He also likes to lay in the sun and cuddle under the covers. If I could carry Charlie in one of those baby carriers, I would. No joke!

Monster is our other Boston. He is 5 years old. Maybe 6. I'm not sure. But he is really cute. Except when he is gross, which is a lot of the time. He likes to eat grass and then throw up on our bed. We've gone through so many sheets that way. He also likes to breath really heavily next to my face and be super annoying. I love him, a lot. Here is his adoption story.

And finally, our giant cat, Mooky. He is what I like to call "the miracle cat" because a few years ago, after dropping Doug off at work, I came home to find him sitting on the porch bleeding from both eyes. I rushed him to the emergency vet and they concluded he had been hit with a heavy object in the face. Not a car or a bike, but a baseball bat or a pipe. he had a skull fracture and a serious infection. He made a full recovery, but now, years later, still bleeds from his left eye all the time, as you can see in the photo. Mooky likes to sleep on stacks of fabric, roll around in the grass, and talk. He is very vocal.

We're both from the south and most of our family lives in Florida, although we met in Tucson. I got my bachelors degree in Film Production and my thesis project was a children's film about middle school picture day. Someday, maybe I'll share it on here...I still love making films and watching films and all that jazz, but it wasn't in my career path. I fell in love with being a baker and after years of doing that, have finally reached my goal of being a full time pastry chef. Next step is having my own space and be my own boss. It would be great to combine our shop, with my baking and Doug wood work. Dreams. I love blogging and have been at this blog for under a year, but it's been a lot of fun and I am so happy for the friends that I have made since it started.

Some random things you should know about me:
My favorite animal is a manatee.
I am the pickiest eater in the world. I know what I like and I stick to it.
My dream job would be to own my own pie shop.
I like summer better than winter. I hate being cold.

My first tattoo was of a slice of watermelon.

I hate shopping for clothes. I get very frustrated and bored. I don't own many clothes.

I love TV, especially reality based TV. I think it's because I'm nosy.

I don't have very many friends. I am very much a homebody.

I like riding bikes. I would rather ride my bike than drive. I don't like driving!

Bangs are good! I love bangs!

I'm very, very ticklish.

And, I am also super self conscious. So, if you meet me in real life, and I'm super awkward, don't take it personally. I still love you.

Thanks for reading my new about page. If you still have questions for me, or want to know anything I didn't add, just comment or email me, and I'll answer (just about) anything. You can also find me on twitter, etsy, facebook (for our shop) and of course, bloglovin.

xo,

Beca

Be the Architect of Your Own Happiness

We all have our insecurities. Whether it be in our relationships. our body image, our job, the way we dress, or whatever. It's so common, I know, but it's hard to NOT feel totally alone and stupid for feeling that way. As I get older, it is easier to recognize my insecurities. It's hard to not fight them. Ignore them. Worry over them. I admit, there has been times in which I would fixate on something in my life and it would overwhelm me. I've been jealous, green with jealousy. Green until I turned red. Green until I hated myself for feeling full of jealousy or worry. And then, i learned how to talk. I am lucky enough to have a partner in my life who knows me better than I know myself. And when I feel jealous or self loathing or insecure, he knows. And we talk. He never over-assures me that I don't need to be jealous. He never gives into my self deprecation. Instead, we talk about why I am feeling jealous or being down on myself. He tells me what he sees and what is the truth to him. My life and relationship has never been healthy than it is today.

I am not perfect. Not by any means. And that is the beauty of it. I know that I could lose weight to be healthier. I am very, very aware of it. And I have my off days. I have days when I cry because I hate all of my clothes, or I look in the mirror and just don't like what I see. It's natural. I have been at my ideal weight, and I liked being there. I have also been on the other side of the spectrum. When I was dealing with depression some years ago, I was at my heaviest. I hated every part of my life and I used food as self-soothing medicine. I didn't love myself, and it showed. I hid under layers of clothing and long hair and just worked at eating myself to death. It was a really dark time in my life. And then I broke free. I lost over 80 pounds and learned how to love myself. Of course, I still had really hard days. And those days were full of binge eating. But I got help, I met the love of my life. I discovered bike riding. I learned how to enjoy food, and not use it as a tool. I got rid of all the negativity and hurt and just moved forward!

It's always been more than body image though. It took me a long time to discover who I was, and who I wanted to be. I went through a lot of dress styles, adapted to being a new weight, tried new things, made new friends, lost friends too. I don't regret anything. I'm not ashamed of anything. I experienced a lot of good and bad, and it has shaped me to who I am today. And here I am. For the most part, I love myself. I love my life and I feel happy. There are the obvious things that have been stressful, that I have mentioned in my blog and have shared with you. I worry about the everyday things like money and work. I will say that you will probably see less of that. I want my blog to be a positive place. It will, of course, pop up ever so often. But the more I eradicate it from my life, the happier I will be. The more I will love myself. The more I will love what I do.

I have to say though, I don't worry that much anymore. I never worry about my relationship, because I know I don't need to. It's unnecessary stress that I bring on myself. I don't worry about my job, because I know that if it doesn't work out, I can get another one. I don't worry about my family, because I know that I love them and they love me, regardless of the ups and downs we have had. I try not to worry about the way I look and just love who I see in the mirror. I know I can work on the things I don't like, but when it comes down to it, I am who I am and I'm beautiful. I have enough love in my life that I will never be hungry, I will never be homeless, and I will never be without love.

Trust me, none of this happened overnight. It has been a 10 year struggle. I'm turning 26 this year, and I am not a kid anymore. I have to pay bills, and I have creatures and an incredible man who rely on my to be in their lives. I am responsible for my future and I am responsible for my own happiness. I read once in this strange old 1950s palm reading book I found at a yard sale the sentence "You are the architect of your own happiness" and that has always stuck with me. Not that I am interested in palm reading, but was fascinated with the idea of palm reading in the 1950s. I still have that little book tucked away in our bookshelf. Just for that one sentence. I am building my future every moment, and I want to make it count.

I hope that by sharing this, you have gotten to know me a little better. This is where I come from and who I am today. I try hard to be happy and often times, don't have to try at all. I know that I am never alone. Whether it be my little family in this old house, or my blood family across the nation, my friends who I can hug and tell my secrets to, to my new blog friends who I have come to love. and care about. Even my puppies are a huge piece in the puzzle in my happiness and I am thankful to have their love. There is no guidelines for happiness. There is no specific way you are supposed to look, or dress, or feel. Blaze your own trail and be the architect of your own happiness!

xo,

Beca

Clutter

I will not, cannot tell a lie. I am messy. I have a hard time keeping our space clean and organized and without clutter. I don't like dirty, I clean the kitchen, the bathroom, sweep and mop the floors and keep the house "clean" almost every day, but not organized. We work where we live, so in every nook and cranny you will find tools, supplies, items from our shop, junk we collected. I don't mind it. For the most part. Sometimes, I go into a cleaning tizzy and don't want to be cluttered anymore. But, it always goes back to the way it was before. Cluttered. I am learning to create a space (in this tiny, tiny place) that is healthy and comfortable. (remember, we have an entire vintage shop stored in our home...)I don't have any advice for others who are also cluttered, except that you can probably live without the stuff, but why should you. If you enjoy collecting, then collect. As long as you can live your life around your stuff, then I don't see what the problem is. We're not all rich and have huge houses and garages to store our stuff and organize our spaces with. I can't go to ikea and buy tons of chic storage units and wall shelves. Although sometimes, I wish I could....
Most of my "collections" have sentimental value to me. We have acquired a lot of it from family or friends. It is such a hodgepodge collection of sorts, that I don't even really consider it a collection. It's just stuff that I look at and think "Dad" or "Sid" (Our friend from the Tucson swap meet who would gift me items from his shop every week) or "Alita," one of my best friends and soul sister when it comes to vintage and thrifted.
I'm not embarrassed of our clutter. Usually when people come over, they get lost in all of our collections. It's fun to tell stories and let people explore. It's us and our home and who we are. I am happy in our space and happy where we are in our life. Maybe someday we'll have a beautiful loft space, or a big old house, or a cabin in the woods, but for right now, we're city mice in a tiny house full of love.

Do you have clutter in your house? How do you feel about it? Is it hard to keep your house clutter-less when you're working full time, raising a family, or just right brained-artist type who doesn't care much for organizing?

xo,

Beca