I know I am not alone in this quest of mid-20s friendship, but I have been feeling weighted by its importance in the last few months. To preface, I don't know how to explain how I am with friendships. I am shy. An awkward shy that is hidden by my tendency to talk to much about nothing, stutter and constantly adjust my hair/glasses/boots/purse. It doesn't help that I am incredibly insecure. That doesn't make friendships easy. Nor does moving to a new place, where I work at home, and could not leave the house in a week except to go to the post office and not notice.
I don't have a lot of experience with friendships. I had a relatively sheltered childhood of being the perpetual only child-loner-book worm, met trauma at a young age, entered adulthood pretty late, and jumped right into the social cesspool of after-college HOW THE HELL DO I MAKE FRIENDS IN THIS BIG GIANT WORLD stage. I tried the party-friend-path. I tried the work-friends-road. I tried the roommates-so-we-must-be-friends route. I have had failure with all of them. Am I too judgmental? {sometimes} Am I annoying? {probably} Am I too honest, or say whats on my mind too much? {absolutely} Do I get too comfortable? {maybe} Am I just a weirdo? {yes}
I spent a long time wondering if I was just a crappy friend-roommate-boss {note to self: don't ever try to be best friends with your employees/co-workers while y'all work together, it's oil and water.} And I went through a phase where I surrounded myself with people who I didn't necessarily get along with because I just wanted that companionship. I'm too transparent for that and I'm sure I have hurt feelings and burned bridges...I'm sorry for that. But then, I met Doug. My very best friend in the entire universe. The person who I have to, want nothing more than, no question about it, will spend the rest of my life with. Not to be a big cheese ball, but my soul mate. Doug, unlike me, has lots of friends. He is social and friendly and easy to get along with. So, of course, I made a huge effort to befriend his friends. Some I clicked with perfectly and still consider some of my closest friends. Others, well, they made me question myself again. Am I that crappy of a person that they can't stand me. They want nothing to do with me? Or wait, news flash, we don't have to be best friends. I have realized in the past few months that I shouldn't have to TRY to be someones friend. I shouldn't have to be anything other than my big, beautiful self. Full glory. Not really, I mean some discretion is appreciated. But I am going to be 27 in just a few short months. I refuse to walk on egg shells. I refuse to be silent and made to feel excluded or out of place. No matter how much I want friends, I don't deserve that.
BUT, I am not innocent. I have no filter. If you know me in real life, I will say just about anything that comes to mind, and not realize that it could be hurtful. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I can't pretend to be stoked if I'm not. I can't fake it. I just can't. And my insecurities can turn me into a total brat. And there in lies the problem. As a grown up, I should know how to do this. I shouldn't be all willy nilly with my thoughts and words. So since we moved to Chattanooga, I have made a few vows to myself when it comes to friendships. I want to make friends. I want to go on coffee dates and go thrifting and go on bike rides. I want someone to talk to face to face about nothing and everything. Girlfriend stuff.
I will make a conscious effort to not be an awkward mess when we go out. I wont hide in Doug's shadow and I will be open to meeting new people. I will not be judgmental. I will not always say exactly what I am thinking, because to be quite frank, it just isn't necessary. I will be kind, I will be true to myself, and I will be the best friend I know how to be. I have nightmares about a few unfortunate events that took place in the past few years that burned down bridges bigger than the golden gate. I beat myself up. I want to say I'm sorry. I want to be told "I'm sorry too." But since forced friendships that have been broken have no real chance of repair, since words that were said can't be taken back, and since I'm making one hell of an effort to learn from it, the future is bright and clear.
Moving to a new state, where I don't know a soul, has been scary. But in a good way. We work at home, don't have any clear schedule. Doug has skateboarding, which is kind of like instant friend magic. And I have blogging. Oh Lord, I love blogging if only for the amazing friendships that I have cultivated. Blogging has taught me that the friends I need in my life are out there and they exist. Too bad we don't live next door to each other, but thank you for being in my life.
I can only hope that I make friends here that I mesh with. I hope that I can be brave. I plan on being generous with my friendships this year and in this place. How do you make friends? Have you had trouble maintaining friendships? Any tips or advice for a super awkward blogger in the world of making and maintain new friendships? This topic has been ablaze in my heart for a while and I would love to hear how you feel.
xo,
Beca
ps. I just wanted to share that recently, I texted an old friend {who I had a falling out with} while Doug and I were driving through New Orleans, where she moved to. I told her I missed her and I was sorry for everything that caused us to stop being friends and that I loved the shit out of her. It felt so good, that I didn't even need for her to write back. But she did and it made my whole year. If you're missing an old friend, maybe that's the secret to filling that little hole in your heart. I suggest it, big time!
