I saw this somewhere...or at least something like it. I think someone retweeted a blog post by some blogger I had never read before, and by chance I clicked on it, and now I have no idea where it was from, who it was, or who retweeted it. But it stuck in my brain, to be courageous, to be truthful in such an public place. To put something in black and white that you can look back at and know that you thought it and felt it and it was real. If that makes any sense. A blog is a place to document memories, but it's also a place for me to look back on and see what I was feeling, doing, and experiencing. Here are some truths that I would normally be scared to tell anyone, but if I don't say them out loud, I may implode.
Truth. I have been seeing a lot of posts floating around the blogosphere about weight and size. I wish I could join along and say how proud I am of my size, or how much I love my body, but honestly, I don't. I'm not. I feel disgusting. I am not the heaviest that I have ever been but I hate the way I look right now. Nothing fits right, nothing feels good. My old clothes are too big, and all the new clothes I want are still too small. I still eat a lot of junk food, I still don't exercise as much as I should, and I feel bad. I just feel bad. I prioritize working over working out, and I grab a coke before anything else for the energy, mostly. And I make excuses. A lot. It's really bumming me out and I don't know how to share my feelings with anyone because people usually just tell me how great I look and how I should stop worrying. But I can't. And it doesn't make me feel better to be told I look okay, when I don't feel okay. I'm sorry if that's too honest, but it's overwhelmingly depressing.
I know that I should be confident and proud, and that sharing my insecurities is dangerous. I am certainly not trying to be a model, or even thin. I just know where I feel good, and I want to be there again. I have gained so much weight in the past few years and I feel like I have dug a hole I can't get out of. I love to eat, and I love being active too. But we have been so busy this year, I have forgotten how to take care of myself. It makes me feel angry and sad. I don't know how to really express myself when it comes to body image and all that, but I certainly have a hard time with it.
I don't expect miracles. I don't have any answers, except the obvious, that isn't always as easy as it sounds (to me at least.) I just needed to spit it out. I love seeing all the proud, confident women blogging about self love/body love. Please keep doing it.
For women like me, who are consumed. Consumed by thoughts of a bag of lays potato chips.