Friday, June 29, 2012

A truth I'm Terrified to Tell You

I saw this somewhere...or at least something like it. I think someone retweeted a blog post by some blogger I had never read before, and by chance I clicked on it, and now I have no idea where it was from, who it was, or who retweeted it. But it stuck in my brain, to be courageous, to be truthful in such an public place. To put something in black and white that you can look back at and know that you thought it and felt it and it was real. If that makes any sense. A blog is a place to document memories, but it's also a place for me to look back on and see what I was feeling, doing, and experiencing. Here are some truths that I would normally be scared to tell anyone, but if I don't say them out loud, I may implode.

Truth. I have been seeing a lot of posts floating around the blogosphere about weight and size. I wish I could join along and say how proud I am of my size, or how much I love my body, but honestly, I don't. I'm not. I feel disgusting. I am not the heaviest that I have ever been but I hate the way I look right now. Nothing fits right, nothing feels good. My old clothes are too big, and all the new clothes I want are still too small. I still eat a lot of junk food, I still don't exercise as much as I should, and I feel bad. I just feel bad. I prioritize working over working out, and I grab a coke before anything else for the energy, mostly. And I make excuses. A lot. It's really bumming me out and I don't know how to share my feelings with anyone because people usually just tell me how great I look and how I should stop worrying. But I can't. And it doesn't make me feel better to be told I look okay, when I don't feel okay. I'm sorry if that's too honest, but it's overwhelmingly depressing.

I know that I should be confident and proud, and that sharing my insecurities is dangerous. I am certainly not trying to be a model, or even thin. I just know where I feel good, and I want to be there again. I have gained so much weight in the past few years and I feel like I have dug a hole I can't get out of. I love to eat, and I love being active too. But we have been so busy this year, I have forgotten how to take care of myself. It makes me feel angry and sad. I don't know how to really express myself when it comes to body image and all that, but I certainly have a hard time with it.  

I don't expect miracles. I don't have any answers, except the obvious, that isn't always as easy as it sounds (to me at least.) I just needed to spit it out. I love seeing all the proud, confident women blogging about self love/body love. Please keep doing it. 

For women like me, who are consumed. Consumed by thoughts of a bag of lays potato chips. 

love,
Beca

40 comments:

  1. i'm glad you wrote this. i don't feel like i fit into either school of thought (the, "ahh! i hate food i wanna be skinny" or the "i'm totally ok with my size." i don't hate myself, or want to hate myself because of my size. but i do want to feel more healthy, and for me, that does involve losing weight.

    i lost a bunch of weight a couple years ago and now i've just hit a plateau in the last yearish. for me, it was school that overtook my life. i'm in this crazy intensive program and i put studying over working out/being active (even though i do totally love being active!) it's just hard.

    and girl, i love carbs (salty!) and i have a wicked sweet tooth (i guess that comes with my love of baking!) :)

    <3

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    1. i am a salt fiend. it's my biggest problem, i could eat chips for every meal..

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  2. This was a really brave post and I'm with you! It's so frustrating when you're not happy with your weight and you see no way out. I recently did a bit of an overhaul and thought I'd share some of the little changes I made with you in case they are of any use? Hope it doesn't seem preachy or annoying or like an innapropriate response to your post.

    1. I never used to eat breakfast, or if I did, it was something sugary and full of carbs. Now, I eat breakfast everyday and it's usually a hard boiled egg and veggie sausage or two. Sometimes I'll throw in a banana or some rice cakes and hummus too. This sets me up pretty well for the day before I have my first light snack of carrot sticks and hummus at 11am.
    2. I eat smallish meals throughout the day. My schedule looks kind of like: 8am Breakfast, 11am Snack, 1pm Lunch, 4pm snack, 8pm Dinner. Obviously I don't stick to this religiously, life gets in the way! But I try to keep this template in mind. I've also swapped a lot of carb bases (like pasta) for roasted veg like courgette, aubergine and carrot. Yum.
    3. I've started walking more (getting off the bus stop a few stops earlier etc) and have found a few active things that I like to do like dance, yoga and have even joined a running club.

    It's so crappy feeling trapped in a cycle but tiny changes (even getting a few hours extra sleep) make such a difference.

    Anyway, I hope this doesn't feel too fixy or annoying from a stranger, I know sometimes it just feels good to vent and well done you for being so honest about it!

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    1. thats great advice! thank you for sharing!

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  3. p.s. I ate an entire bag of chocolate caramel nibs last night. Sometimes you just have to give in to the craving! :-)

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  4. I so understand you. I gained over 40 pounds over the course of about 1-2 years...and it's stuck and I can't get rid of it. I feel horrible and half the time I don't want to leave the house because no matter what I wear I always feel disgusting. I went nuts on the exercise and diet and nothing happened. After visiting a bunch of doctors It turns out I have something called lipedema. It's not a severe case and I still look really "good" compared to what I could look like.....but still....I'm supposed to wear compression stockings about all day avery day...and now I even got those shit things for my arms. Guess what that does to my self esteem. Not to mention the terrible sweating that goes with this as soon as you touch the sun. It's embarrassing and my mental health really suffers from all this. Not to mention that my motivation was totally lost when The doctor told me this and I stopped working out or eating healthy....like ...what's the point....it makes me feel even more terrible about myself though.

    Some days I don't care and I feel good but most days I really just want it to stop and want my old body back. I used to look so good.....and now I have to buy new clothes all the time because nothing ever fits right or I just look so darn fat in everything.

    I came to the conclusion that I really do love my body...I really do...but I can't stand how people make me feel as soon as I am around them. Hard to explain, but I realized that the problems that I'm having aren't just because my body is the way it is....but because I have the feeling as soon as somebody looks at me they are comparing me to the usual beauty standard....

    I totally get how you feel girl. You aren't alone. hugs

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    1. Thats a really good point, Mel. It is hard to be effected by the ideas of the people around you. I grew up always being told that I should lose weight, and when I did lose all that weight, everyone told me I was too skinny. It was so frustrating, thanks for sharing. I appreciate it. <3

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  5. Beca, I'm so sorry you feel this way and I think you're so brave to share this with everyone. We all struggle with something; whether it be weight, material possessions, relationships, or a mental block. There is strength in numbers, and the blogging community is so supportive of their own. Feel free to share your struggles, and vent knowing you have support. I just wish I could say more than that, or had some nugget of wisdom for you but I don't.

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    1. Thanks Bekah. It's a rough patch, but I think by talking about it, it makes it more real and maybe I'll do something about it..

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  6. yep, I have been here too. A few years ago I was feeling like shit all the time. I was single for the first time in years but when I went out, no one talked to me....clothes looked crappy and I was angry. I found solace in chips. and for everyone who says 'embrace who you are....blah blah blah"....well, if you feel shit, that is not going to happen. it took walking into a shop and not fitting into a XL pair of jeans to make me go, "yep, its time". i am not here to preach, but all it took was a 45 min brisk walk each day and halving the amount of junk (not food) that i ate. 3 months later, I was 19kg lighter.

    Beca, you are stunning and I look at you and think, "if only I was that cool". But, if you feel the way you do, no amount of props from us will make you change your mind. I hope you find a way to get where you want to be. But rest assured, we'll all still hang out here no matter what.

    toni xo

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    1. Toni, thanks for your comment, and for being a friend. I used to go to the gym, I used to ride my bike everywhere, I used to stoked on clothes shopping. I know I can get back to that point but I'm in the same boat. I don't want to embrace the now, I want to feel better.....
      XOXO

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  7. Dear Beca,

    I love you. I hear you apologizing for your opinions (or disagreements with someone else) and I personally don't think you owe anyone an apology!!! I am so glad that you share your honesttogod feelings when I read comments on your blog it is apparent that a lot of people feel that way too. There are so many humans on this planet, that we are never alone in our feelings. I think we are never alone in our insecurities too. It REALLY helps others to read an eloquent post about exactly what they feel and that is the gift you are offering to them. You don't "have" to feel any which way, and I adore you. And, for what it's worth I think you are absolutely beautiful.

    Jes

    P.S. I have a feeling that most of the people that post about accepting their body have bad self-image days too:) I know I do.

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    1. Dear Jes,
      Thanks for your comment. I love seeing your posts about body image and self esteem. It's really rad. Thanks for being so strong in that arena.
      xo

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    2. This is really funny timing, because I had just written about this whole concept in an article for Amy... It's so very real.

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  8. You are so brave to have posted this. And all I can really say is that I'm kinda in the same boat. You are not alone! I want to feel better too.
    Even since my early teens I've always been a bigger girl. Chubby. I was never skinny and I wasn't the biggest (but I was sometimes really close). I mean growing up I was always told... you should lose some weight youll look/feel better you have such a pretty face. And then instead I gain some weight and I'm then told...you used to be skinnier last year, you should lose some weight get back to how you were before... Ah, but you told me I was huge last year. wtf.
    I think when life gets busy we just want whatever is quick, easy and cheap. I mean I cooould spend an extra few minutes and make a healthier lunch that tatses okay...or i could pop in a cheap pizza that will tatse awesome and spend the extra time working. It's hard. Im trying to slowly cut out junk food..or some junk food. I eat so much bad shit! And I wanna wear all the pretty dresses and shirt the other girls are wearing.
    I hope you find something that works for you and your life and I hope you do start feeling better! I hope we all start feeling better. :]

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    1. We have been so busy and I have been so tired that eating out, or just eating something packaged has been so much easier. i love cooking dinner at home, so its even more depressing. I have struggled with my weight my whole life. It's a rough thing to cope with.

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  9. I could have written this myself:
    "I wish I could join along and say how proud I am of my size, or how much I love my body, but honestly, I don't. I'm not. I feel disgusting. I am not the heaviest that I have ever been but I hate the way I look right now. Nothing fits right, nothing feels good. My old clothes are too big, and all the new clothes I want are still too small. I still eat a lot of junk food, I still don't exercise as much as I should, and I feel bad. I just feel bad. I prioritize working over working out."

    I don't eat junk food too much, but I still don't see an improvement because of the lack of exercising. I get home from my day job and I can choose between working on orders for my Etsy shop or going for a run/working out.

    I weigh about 30lbs less than I did at my heaviest, and I feel more healthy, but I also feel like I have about 25lbs left to go until I am where I REALLY want to be. It's not a LOT, but it feels like an unreachable goal at this point. I feel bummed and depressed an embarrassed about it on a daily basis. So I too am not comfortable participating in this "I love my size" blogging trend.

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    1. love you crystal! seriously, we're meant to be friends.

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  10. Yeah I feel the same way. I've been REALLY trying to make time to go work out but it's hard when you're not in the habit of doing it. Plus it's inconvenient and I'm lazy. haha

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    1. I'm lazy, too. That's something I forgot to add. I like lounging, and lazying about. It's a fact.

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    2. I read all this, finally catching up, and yes working out isn't happening for me because I'm lazy. However I can say trying to focus on portion control and snacking on fruit, veggies (I really like pea pods lately] and drinking water instead of soda makes an impact. Also I love drinking lots of water and peeing clear or close to clear. Okay that was TMI but seriously it shows me I'm drinking lots of water which cuts down hunger pangs. I read when your body thinks "thirsty" it actually sends a "feed me" type signal so you eat when really you're thirsty! Weird huh?

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  11. Awesome post! I can relate for sure. I've definitely been inspired by all the self-love going around, but obviously I still have a lot of days myself where I just feel like a total fatty. (I'm carrying a lot of post-baby weight.)

    Diet and exercise don't work for me either. I don't have the willpower to diet and I'm mostly just too lazy to exercise! I have found that just taking baby steps helps... I've mostly cut out soda because I know that blows me up like crazy. I still drink it but I don't keep it in the house anymore (I have a pretty bad addiction to soda, I used to go through a 12 pack of Mountain Dew a day!) Also, instead of traditional "exercise" I've been playing Just Dance on Kinect or even just throwing on some good music and dancing while I clean!

    Anywho, I know it doesn't mean much coming from a total stranger but I really do think you're one gorgeous lady, inside and out!

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    1. Thank you for your sweet words. cutting down on soda and walking is great advice.

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  12. Just chiming in to say "yep". I think, as women, we've all been in this place, no matter our size. Sometimes I feel like because I'm involved with burlesque and because it is filled with such empowered women, that I should be super empowered and confident about my body as well. But, I'm not. And when I went to Burlycon last year, I discovered through one of the classes we took, it was called Repairing Your Relationship With Your Body, that all of those seemingly super confident women were in the same boat as me- trying to accept their body for the great thing it is, but coming up short due to past trauma, feelings of inadequacy, societies obsession with perfect everything, etc.
    It's a long journey. There are days when I look in the mirror and feel ruined (I was pretty thin when I got pregnant with my son and gained a whole 65lbs that pretty much went all to my stomach which led to most of my torso being covered in stretch marks) and there are days when I look at a piece of my body that I actually like and appreciate it. Just taking some time to appreciate the things you DO like about yourself is a step in the right direction to coming to terms with yourself and, in turn, feeling confident enough to improve where you want to improve on.

    Best wishes from Tucson.

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    1. thanks for your comment Amanda, I always appreciate you. it is indeed a long journey.

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  13. You should try bodyrocktv. Work outs at home and in twelve minutes. They are FABULOUS!!!! Hard at first but you can modify them for your fitness level.

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  14. Heh. I'm right there with ya. I had a baby in January and now I'm heavier than EVER before in my life, and my body does NOT want to give up any of the weight. WTF? I'm on weight watchers and struggling like never before.

    I know HOW to do it, there's just some mental block in my brain. Are their therapists specifically for weight management issues? Cuz I'm pretty sure I need one.

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    1. I tried weight watchers too, and no results....i cant stick with it.

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  15. I feel the same way about my weight, and the way I look. I am also 15weeks pregnant, so I feel even more strange about my body. I completely understand how you feel, and will always, in some way, struggle with a deep hatred of my body. Its unhealthy, and I do exercise daily and look in good shape. But I still have that undying loathing of myself and how I look.
    And just for the hell, of it, let me tell you that I prioritize working out over being creative, which is a daily downer and cause for me to feel shitty. It's like my mind will give me any reason to get down on myself, and get lost in comparisons.
    Best wishes, friend.

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    1. Congratulations on your baby-on-the-way!
      I totally understand trying to find balance between work, working out, being creative and living life...

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  16. I loved reading this because I feel so similar. I've been losing weight very slowly and while I'm appreciative of my husband and friends telling me how great I look I'm still not happy. I'm trying to create good, healthy habits instead of focusing on being "skinny" and I really find it hard. I beat myself up mentally when I miss a workout or when I eat something unhealthy. I also work a ton and have a hard time balancing work and making time to care for myself.

    I admire you for your business success and overall as a person (you really are gorgeous!) and it's comforting to know someone else struggles the way that I struggle.

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    1. Thank you ashley, for your kind words. And I think that's the smartest way to lose weight is to just be healthy, but it is extra hard. I know. XO.

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  17. I am completely where you are. I know exactly how you feel. I miss my bicycle legs and hair stylist arms. When time eats me up I eat up my time. I love you!

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  18. beca, i love you s'much. you are super inspiring woman and i look forward to everything you post. and let me say, i completely understand where you're coming from. i'm five foot nothing and according to my bmi, i'm obese. i know i'm overweight (i like to call it 'compact') but obese? please. that's just hurtful. i've always carried extra weight my whole life. and yep, i love lays potato chips and soda. i'm making myself hungry now. diet doesn't come easy to me. but i love zumba. if you like to dance, try it! it's a great workout. but unfortunately, i haven't exercised in weeks because i'm having foot problems, which really depresses me. plus my boyfriend is super in shape and runs about six miles a day! yep, all around depression. i notice when i'm exercising i feel better even if i'm not losing weight. i'm sure it's really hard working from home to decide when to work or when to workout. you should take some 'me time'. zumba is mine and i can't wait to get back in the groove. love ya, lady!

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  19. This really spoke to me Beca! I agree it's hard to say your confident and love your body the way it is yet we're constantly always trying to change it to fit a more "acceptable" form. Even trying to focus more on just being healthy stresses me out but I know that's all that matters is being as healthy as I can for myself. I've gained about 40 lbs in 5 years for various reasons and I hate the way I fee but I have a good man who loves me the way I am so I try and focus on his positive comments about me.

    BTW - I think your beautiful and so inspiring!!

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  20. I wonder if there is a single person on this planet who hasn't felt this way! We all do, and sometimes it goes away, and then it comes back. I find myself having these sorts of thoughts when my life is out of balance, which is usually when I need to stop and just take some me time. Honestly, just love your body the way it is. The simple fact that we are here and have bodies is a miracle in itself. What's not to love?

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